apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
