ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
my liver is dry heaving
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
