Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
