I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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