please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
