Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
