And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
