Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
