And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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