Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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