so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
