Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
