I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
