in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
