My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
