i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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