I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
