i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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