For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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