She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
