Having a random hookup so left but love u
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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