Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
