You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The air was thick with penises
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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