What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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