Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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