he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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