six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
