I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ok first of all what the fuck
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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