just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
