plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How's work?
Spinning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We are all done wearing pants today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
