i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
