i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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