dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you never un-have a 4some
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
