You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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