I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
