You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Little spoons don't ask big questions
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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