I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
