for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
