I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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