So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
