Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
