I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
