omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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