I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And then he peed in my hair
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