Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
