Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
