just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wanna go halves on a baby?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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