Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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