i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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