I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
