I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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