two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
