when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
