I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
