We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
