Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
