I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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