So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
