I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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