The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize