I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
