you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
