OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
my shit smells like andre
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.