I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.