i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again