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• (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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• (925): View more from California

  can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

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  17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

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• (903): View more from Texas

  All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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• (347): View more from New York

  I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.

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  These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men

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• (786): View more from Florida

  tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.

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• (298): View more from

  The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches

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• (574): View more from Indiana

  I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.

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