I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.